carlyee's Xanga

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Tue, 08 May 2007 05:49:46 GMT

After much thought, after my first year finals..I've decided...decided to..

switch

to

.....

a new course

A NEW BLOG!!!

don't ask me why, I have been loyal to xanga for 4 years already..but it seems that I need a fresh blog..new vibes, new ideas..haha

Hence, drop by www.carlyeee.blogspot.com

It is still under construction, takes time to modify, plus I'm waiting for the MOST RECENT PICS of MSL retreat and Spore Badminton Open 07..hope to get em' real soon..haha..pls do provide feedback if possible..I'm noob to blogspot. =(

cheers~

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 13:09:57 GMT

I don't know why I am here.blogging where I should be studying for exams..

yeah right, study..screw exams

Sometimes I really wish I wouldn't have let go some things..and I'm most likely to benefit from it now..it is not anything to be sad about or anything, nevertheless I felt left out..as though I don't stand a chance to understand..and I wouldn't stand a chance to do so..unless I'm really lucky that I'm able to brush up, which is the hardest thing for me to do right now..Sometimes I really hope to be able to understand the meanings behind those lines..I've tried but to no avail, I do not see myself able to share the burdens , share the thoughts and feelings..hence I end up feeling helpless..I can't help feeling helpless..why..why must it significantly be a burden to me? I'm still trying hard..I hope one day, it would not be a barrier ..I hope I would be confident enough to destroy the barrier..

All I can understand now are those simple written words that hardly serves the true meaning of the entire desired message put forth. Sometimes I wonder if I'm causing pain or perhaps unhappiness. and even troublesome to a certain extent where I don't think I deserve anything at all..So this conclude that I'm plain selfish....I pray that I'm only thinking too much..

Once again, screw exams..T_T

...........

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 06:16:33 GMT

People say bad things come after another...

horrible news happened in the U.S, specifically in Virgina Tech where nearly 25 students were murdered.

horrible grades for LSM1401-biochem, which I spent days doing

even horrible news when a friend of mine was judged unfairly for his grades..i was speechless

Sigh..

I wish I'm able to filter out mood swings due to studies..yet that's the hardest thing I can do..

Nothing seems to work as reality sets in..how can you expect to do better when your marks are practically down the drain, say , 40/60 for the time being? with finals ammounting to the other 40%, how much can you expect to get ? What more if it's an open book exam? Yah right, for ur info, open book exams are better off not opening ur books bcos there will be basically nothing you can find in ur books..trust me..

So, this says it all that once again, my hopes for obtaining better results will go futile ..

Screw exams..my econs is not getting any better..It seems like the more you study, the higher chance you get mistakes..and nothing is going into my head..

Darn..not that I want it to be this way..

some people can just try their best and with their best, they gain what they deserve to get

but for some other people, after all they've tried..they gain maybe a lil more better but overall is constant = meaning trying their best equals not doing much..which is just waste of time going the 'extra' mile..

I'm not expecting anything..

The worse thing I hear now is that some people may get a 'B' and frown over such grades in NUS.

Some people may get 6/10, average perhaps 5, and say he/she will be failing.

Yah, it is indeed true that some will set high expectations and expecting full perfect grades

WTH

ok, I've no problem with that, just pls don't mention it in front of me

piss off..

ciao~

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 15:11:06 GMT

Sekian lama dah aku tidak memblog.

Memang benar ini berpunca dari masa yang perlu dibahagikan kepada buku-buku saya

Demi mendapat gred yang sederhana dalam Tahun pertama kursus Farmasi ini yang begitu menyeksakan.

Aku tidak mengharapkan apa-apa. Hanya moga tidak menyesal belajar setiap pagi sampai malam

Duduk atas kerusi yang sama setiap hari sampai tulang belakang hampir patah

Namun saya tiada pilihan..jikalau mahu terus tinggal di Singapura, aku perlu menjadi seperti yang lain,

perlu terus menjadi kompetitif tidak kira betapa susahnya kehidupan sebegini..

Saya tidak tahu betapa susahnya menulis blog dalam Bahasa Melayu sampai kini..sudah sekian lama aku tidak menulis, bertutur serta membaca dalam BM. Blog ini membuktikan kesan katara akibat penyisihan BM selama 3 tahun, menunjukkan kemerosotan bahasa saya dalam segi kefasihan yang masih ada semasa dalam sekolah menengah. Aduhai, kini bukan saya BM saya semakin merosot, bahasa Inggeris saya juga tidak sebaik manapun, apatah lagi Bahasa Cina saya yang semakin hari semakin penting dalam dunia global ini.

Entah mengapa tiba-tiba saya berasa seolah-olah sedang bermimpi. Dalam beberapa tahun yang tidak pernah saya belajar tentang Ekonomi, kini saya dipaksa belajar dua module ekonomi dalam masa 4 bulan!! Ini memang gila..tapi apatah daya saya? Tidak, saya perlu positif..perlu beritahu naluri dalam diri bahawa ini demi kebaikan diri..menimba ilmu pengetahuan am adalah sesuatu yang berguna..

Cis, amat seksa memblog dalam BM..

tak peduli lah

nak pergi ni..

semoga berjaya dalam peperiksaan ~ =)

Monday, April 02, 2007

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 14:36:52 GMT

My heart is sinking..

It feels heavy..

And it goes on every night..

There's nothing to mourn about..

Perhaps it's just loneliness..

So now I need 'noise' around me?

Yes I do..

In dire need of clamourous human chatter

and not the wheezy sound of the fan

nor the cacophonous sound of insects at night

argh.......I wanna S-C-R-E-A-M!!!!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 14:30:00 GMT

Sometimes I really wonder..

I accepted the fact that I'm in NUS due to 'luck'

I accepted the fact that I'm NEVER going to be as competitive as the rest

I accepted the fact that I will always be the one left far far behind, not total failure but close enough just to survive failure

I accepted the fact that there are oppotunity costs to whatever you decisions you make in life

I regretted giving up certain things deemed a part of me before, now not anymore..

Yet I also am thankful for some other things that I have now

I am clueless and I don't exactly know the reason I'm given a path as such

Those days I kept hoping that I'm able to give up on the things I have..

but right now I wish I never have done so..

Those things may be a huge part of me and my life that I have lost

And for now I don't know where on earth I belong

There is just no way , no light, nothing for me to look forward to

My priorities are my books, and I hate them sometimes

I lose the other part of me and it seems that I'm not going to gain it back

Cos I would have to sacrifice the other for one thing..

Cos I'm not as versatile as the majority

And hence, I will be stuck with this life..

If only...

If only I have another moment of glory

If only..

If only I could somehow gain my true confidence once again

If only..

Those were the days..

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 11:18:48 GMT

I was blogging..and "poof' my laptop blackout.

'Dear' laptop HP Compaq Presario V3000,

you dumbass..you have just eaten my emotions up . You've even consumed my written emotions and therefore I hate you

I hate you...Why ? You hate me too? Trying to be funny with me all the time is such a GREAT thing to do? I know you have you damn pride but I didn't pay for such nonsense behaviour of yours. Why can't you just play your part and BEHAVE?

...........................................................................................................................................................................

I weep therefore I can't study

I can't study therefore I weep

either way, I conclude that I can't study and I weeped.

Slack..not good

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 11:31:49 GMT

ohgosh, i'm such a slacker this week..I practically didn't do anything useful this weekend..and I'm regretting it..just don't know why I'm always feeling tired and sleepy..my endurance level has dropped till real low..it's so unlike me before where I could actually sustain 8 hours of lectures , then go home to study even more!!..How on earth did I do that ? Perhaps it was cos I was at home..I could watch tv, do leisure activities and pursue things like my storybooks and my piano when I'm utmost bored with books..then after awhile, I get rejuvenated again..well, I can say it's my piano that has played an important part in my life..I'm feeling all very 'soul-less' without my piano and my piano scores..sigh..

Right at this very moment I'm actually feeling nervous..I've just confronted something I know and have expected to know, but still, I'm feeling quite insecure..I don't know why..and the worse thing is that I can do nothing about this fear within me..my heart just keeps beating real fast..ohgosh..help..and it's my piano i wish I have now..my healer to my worries and discomforts of all time..is far far away from me..sobsob..At this moment, I just wish I have a sense of secureness..or at least something I can indulge in which makes my worries melt away..I'm not complaining nor in a bad mood, just..feeling rather weird..feeling rather ...afraid..just..afraid..

well anyway, there are many things out there which I'm able to occupy my time with..I don't know how things should be,or how they will be..all I know is that for now..I'm going on with the flow..

Let the wind take my fears away

and in exchange bring in faith and believe

Let the rain wash my insecurities away

and in turn flood me with wisdom and a clear mind

Let the ocean of uncertainties becomes an ocean with horizon

You may drown or even struggle to survive

and yet can never arrive at the horizon

however when you believe and harshen by the will to survive

matters most than anything else in this reality

A path with possible achievements through experience and endurance

cheers~

What a day..

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 14:38:32 GMT

It has been such a long time since I enjoyed lectures ..well no, I'm not saying that I enjoy my physio and pharmprac lectures this morning..but rather, my econs which is held at night ..hehe..Long time since I went swimming..and i just got myself into a big trouble again..I got darker..darn I just get dark too easily..:(

Muscles aching after the swim under the scorching sun, but really enjoyed it..heheh..plus, going to econs lecture with aching body paid off ..basically we had our econs 'experiment' in which we were divided into government, workers(labour) and firms. Suyin and I were labourers..so, we were given 3 black cards representing 3 shifts of labour ..the entire objective of the experiment was to gain as much rubber bands as we could. Rubberbands hence represents 'product'. Firms set prices to attract labourers..then using labourers, they produce the product which is then sold to labours again for our use. However, the larger the number of labours, the lesse the productivity due to diminishing returns. Red cards are used as money in exchange for labours and basically of no real value. Government set laws governing this market setting. At the very beginning, firms set really low wages, causing few labours chosed to work. In fact, labours get utility by not working(3 rubber bands) but subsequently the utility decreases to 2 bands and 1 band. So, the economy was rather bad at start. However as we moved on, laws made by our 'dear' government siding mostly the firms caused overdemand and lack of supply. Inflation arised. It was darn funny scenario..and we evolved from once an economy like the Middle East to Russian economy..lol..Although the experiment was a micro scaled one, it was worth the time and fun..really cool..heheh...and my econs lecturer really reminds me of my dear Bright Minds Sir Sean Patrick Sta Maria..just no idea why but I miss those times when we had our literature lessons in Eng or Bm where we had roleplaying and acting and funny funny stuff..gosh...those were the days..>.<

I'm exhausted. But glad. Tomorrow's going to be another busy day..and I really need to catch up on a billion of stuff undone or unconceptualised..

ciaoz..cheers~

Friday, March 02, 2007

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 16:33:17 GMT

I haven't been blogging since the festive season..went back for less than a week..busy so called 'enjoying'..and that I've to rush back to Singapore to complete my econs essay and study for econs midterm..now that I've finally completed those, I'm to face Dispensing Test on Monday as well as the econs essay presentation on Tues. Screw them..I don't really care anymore..

My physio CA result is out..no guts to check..cos I've had bad experiences once and it impacted me quite serious. I just wish it wouldn't happen again..but somehow there's this feeling inside telling me that it's going to be the same. I dread physio!!

Just the few days I'm back, I was feeling quite positive..but after awhile I'm darn down ..there isn't a specific reason to explain how it feels..I just feel like being alone yet wanting someone to be there..feel like studying yet can't seem to gather my full concentration to my books..and hence, I'm all confused with what I want and what I should be doing..crazy appetite and craving for certain food at times..but at other times don't even feel like eating..

What has become of me? Well it seems like I'm not the only person here facing such a problem. Is it true that people around you are the most influential factor that may have caused such dreadful feelings? If it is so, I really do not wish to be affected. Things aren't smooth this year..I've been hearing alot of not so good news..and the worst thing is that there's nothing really much I can do to help..argh..

Maybe..just maybe it's just hormones..yah, blame that on hormones..but why do I have to feel such a way every passing day? I feel like I'm challenging myself in some ways where I listen more to the devil..I turned a deaf ear to the angel instead..gosh..this is bad..sometimes, I can be just so ..unresponsive and sarcastic so to make the other person feel bad..then knowing I've accomplished that, I felt even worse..this is madness..I don't know what is really going on in my head..and sometimes I just feel like I don't deserve anything..How can I deserve kindness and goodness when all I know of is cruelty and sarcasm...

I'd better not write on anymore..depressing blogs are terrible stuff to read..it might dampen some people's spirit..but all I can say is sorry..really hoping things would be better for those in need of better days..amitabha..